Today is Roald Dahl Day! In honour of the legendary Welsh writer, we have taken some of his most famous characters and put them through a full Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) check. The results were somewhat surprising….

Willy Wonka – Failed

Mr Wonka was personally responsible for the disappearance of all but one of the young children that attended the tour of his factory. Failing to ensure the proper safety of the children under his care resulted in Augustus falling into a chocolate river and getting sucked up by a pipe, Veruca being thrown down the rubbish chute, Violet chewing herself into a blueberry and Mike teleporting himself to a few inches tall using unregulated Wonka technology. Most disturbingly of all Mr Wonka was found to be using slave labour, with sickly looking, malformed staff forced to toil in his chocolate factory day and night.

Miss Agatha Trunchbull – Failed

As a headmistress of Crunchem Hall Primary School, Miss Trunchbull should be beyond reproach. However, her background check found evidence of systematic cruel and illegal behaviour and has been witnessed swinging girls around by their braids, force feeding chocolate cake to a child and locking students in a small, glass-filled cupboard nicknamed “the Chokey.” Recommend that she never be allowed to work with children again.

The Grand High Witch – Failed

As the scariest and most powerful witch in the world it was somewhat worrying to find that her DBS check turned up evidence that her one mission in life was to destroy all human children. In terms of a DBS check, we call this “A GIANT RED FLAG!” Worryingly she has found other like-minded individuals and has formed a group in order to further their child destroying agenda.

Mr. and Mrs. Twit – Failed

Found to have numerous reports of living in unsanitary and filthy conditions. Long recorded history of aggressive behaviour, calculated acts of cruelty towards animals and a strong hate for small children. Further reports of the RSPCA being called owing to the illegal keeping of pet monkeys in their house, the Muggle-Wumps, which they often beat with a cane.

The Enormous Crocodile – Passed

Ok, he wants to eat children; but hey, no one is perfect!